Random notes about life

Cats, Hairy Guys and Stupid Bureaucrats

2010-02-20T19:51:12Z

I noticed that I use this place to ventilate, when I feel that I need to express without somebody telling me their opinion. I need to speak my mind, to keep it here for the record. Sometimes I think that we all do the same, we are here just to express ourselves, maybe we have an opinion from someone far away, maybe not. Sometimes we just want to capture moments in our lives, just like a photograph.

Well, today I don't feel too good, even if good things have happened to me lately, they seem to be there to make me only half happy.

I finally found a job in a design studio, with a great ambiance and with very good potential, BUT it is a part-time job, I still need to find more work to pay bills and debts.

I found someone that I like a lot, he is really handsome, he seems to like me a lot too, he is very caring and can be tender while being masculine (something that I like a lot) we have a very good time togheter, BUT he is married to another man ( I mean legally married), they are in an open relationship, but he has duties at home, and can only see me part-time, what kind of future can I have there?

As posted before I've lost my cat two weeks ago, then I decided not to get another cat, and there he comes and gives me a kitten; I've got mixed feelings about it, and I am thinking about returning the kitty, I am not ready for it and not sure I want another cat, period.

Following the suggestion of an agent of Emploi-Quebec, I've been meeting a carrer advisor since November, the mandate was to find a complementary training payed from the gouvernment for me, to improve my job perspectives. Me and the career advisor have been working on this for about four months, but the agent from the gouvernment had changed her mind two times, and we've gone from a 1 year training program to a few weeks, and then to a 6-9 month period. I meet with the agent last week, just to find a rude attitude. She asked me what I was doing there, and why I worked all this time on getting a training program, when the gouverment can not give it to me. Then she asked what was the next step, I flipped out ! still remain calm and told her that this is the first time I do this, and that she knows better what to do next, that she offered me the training and that was the reason why me and the carreer advisor were looking for it. I also told the agent that since she has been in contact with the career advisor, then she should have clarified that a long time ago. At the end I just stared at her and answered with yes or no to her stupid rants, then left with an idea on my mind: They can not do anything for me and I will not be back. Fuck all that!

I need to stand up to my feelings and what I want to do with my life. And again I am going to do it alone.

Nuit tragique

2010-02-06T08:57:10Z

Tout a commencé il y a environs deux mois, Pastis a commencé a pisser des petites goutes de sang, et ca se passé tout seul, il pissait sans probleme apres, quelques jours après ca m'est arrive de voir des petites goutes de pisse par terre, j'ai vérifié la litière et elle était pleine, je l'ai vidé, il pissait normalement. il y a quatre jours il a eu la chiasse sur mon lit, ej me demandais si le fait que j'ai donné la nourriture en canne a changé quelque chose, mais ca été pas la première fois qu'il mange ce genre de nourriture.

Ce soir il a réagi bizarre, comme s'il cherchait quelque chose dans la cuisine, rien de particulier, mais normalement il ne fait pas ca. Comme d'habitude j'ai ouvert la fenêtre pour qu'il puisse sortir, comme il fait a chaque soir, vers minuit et demi je suis allé le chercher pour qu'il rentre dormir a la maison. J'ai sifflé mais il venait pas, de fois ca prends du temps pour qu'il vienne; j'ai donc sorti une deuxième fois et quand j'ai sifflé il m'a miaulé comme s'il était pris, je suis allé le chercher a l'endroit ou il se cachait, il se pleignait, j'ai su que quelque chose allait pas bien.

Je suis alle lui chercher et quand je lui ai pris il s'est plaignait encore, en rentrant a la maison il a continué a se plaigner, il miaulais fort, apres 5 minutes j'ai su qu'il fallait reagir, j'ai donc téléphonait la clinique d'urgence du vétérinaire, il m'ont dit que possiblement c'etait un bloquage urinaire ou une infection urinaire, alors je suis allé l'emmener tout de suite.

Le veterinaire m'a expliqué qu'il s'agissait d'un bloquage urinaire, possiblement cause par des crystaux, des pierres ou calculs, et que c'etait grave, la vesille etait trop grosse et il fallait operer d'urgence. Anestesie generale, Prises de sang, Rayons X, cateter, et laisser le cateter pendant deux ou trois jours, apres le retirer, mais il peut se bloquer a nouveau, soit tout suite apres avoir retiré le cateter ou quelques jours aprés, une fois rendu a la maison. Sinon un autre bloquage urinaire peut arriver dans le futur, car une fois qu'ils en font ca peut arriver a nouveau. Le cout de l'operation est de 1 500.

Plan B - 900 - Opération tout de suite et transfert chez mon vétérinaire pour un ou deux jours (plus le séjour en clinique et les honoraires du vétérinaire).
Plan C - 600 pas de prises de sang ni rien d'autre, on l'endors on extrait le liquide et on croise les doigts pour que tout aille bien.
Apparemment un blocage c'est toujours complexe.
Plan D - On l'injecte une solution pour qu'il s'endors (euthanasie)

Elle m'a laisse réfléchir quelques minutes, je me sentais très mal de devoir prendre une décision (surtout la solution D, qui était la plus viable a cet moment la) Je savais pas quoi faire, je voulais téléphoner Jeff, lui demander son opinion, avoir un appui morale, mais il était 2h30 du matin, et il fallait prendre une decision, car Pastis etait souffrant, Jeff m'avait deja aidé avec l'operation l'ete passé (qui a couté 650)

Je n'ai pas les moyens de payer pour l'operation, et meme la consultation d'urgence ca rentre pas dans mon budget. J'ai donc pris la decision de le faire 'dormir' J'ai fait appeler la veterinaire, qui a voulu me rassurer en me disant que honnetement c'etait une decision raisonable, car les blocages urinaires sont pas faciles et il y a le risque qui reviennent, elle a mentionne le cas des chats qui se font opérer deux ou trois fois. On a réglé la paperasse et je suis sorti avec une facture de 320 dollars.

J'ai pris sa cage et j'ai sorti avec des larmes dans les yeux, en arrivant a la voiture je pleuré a sanglots, je pouvais pas me contenir, je pleurais et je pleurais, j'ai continué a pleurer dans le chemin de retour et je me suis rendu compte que je tremblais, c'est très difficile. Mon Pastis n'est plus avec nous.

Today

2010-02-04T23:18:27Z

If you listen to the lyrics to the song 'Can't stand losing you' by the police, you'll understand how i feel.
I put this on my facebook page: "try as hard as you can ... and you will be able to make it" I am trying hard
Meeting this afternoon with the carreer advisor, I am surprised that my profile says that I am NOT made to be a graphic designer.
I learned that the gouverment agent changed her mind and I need to search for a 6-9 month training (which does not exist)
I am fucking tired of looking for training, I've looked at them all, almost 80 schools with several training programs.
I feel creative, yet I am missing motivation. Still, I am painting.
Chatted with guys on bear sites, they are boring, stupid, or divas. Just two or three are worth keep chatting with.
Listening to 80's commercial-free radio since this morning.
I ate a whole bag of chips in 8 minutes.
I feel tired

BYE BYE

2010-01-29T03:00:57Z

Bye Michael !!!

I better keep painting

2010-01-28T01:25:55Z

I got news from Stephane, this guy that I have been chatting with for a while and dated 10 days ago. He is not interested in more than a friendship, so No sunshine, No moonlight, No stardust, No sign of romance.

Still awake at 5 am

2010-01-27T09:59:07Z

I was painting and watching tou.tv and when I turned to see the clock it was already 4:35 am!

I am wide awake ...and thinking

Like Porcelain

2010-01-26T17:12:58Z

In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
Is this goodbye ?

Tell the truth you never wanted me
...Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind...

Mike makes me realize that I am vulnerable

Decision time

2010-01-25T00:58:57Z

Lately things have been rough for me, but I won't let that ruin my life, I need to do a couple of things in order to keep everything in the right place.

I decided to be totally honest with people, even if I was honest before. I used to be too polite or diplomatic about it. Having a hard time saying no sometimes, or trying to avoid confrontation, but since a few weeks I am being very realistic and straight to the point, in my professional and personal life. So far this is leading me to good things and stability.

Relationships: The situation with Mike is still the same, we were supoosed to meet, but that never happened, I wrote him and let him know that I don't expect anything anymore, he wrote back saying that he was afraid of seeing me again, and that he doesn't want to be hurt. I believe that we both are getting hurt, as well as our relationship, so I told him that we may still write to each other, but that will be it. Period.

I need to take Mike out of my mind. There are two guys that I am interested in, I contacted one of them today, he answered back, in a polite way, but he didn't show much interest, he is a friend of a guy I dated, so maybe this can be the problem; anyway I tried and I prefer a fast and honest answer, like the one he gave me. The second guy I already had a date with ten days ago, he came out of a relationship last summer (his Boyfriend left him for another guy) So he is taking it slow, but I can see him interested. I asked him on a second date, he agreed, but since he is on holidays he wasn't sure if he was going to travel this week, He said that he will contact me soon. Let's see.

Work: I may go doing freelance on my own, have to think about it, and about paperwork and finances, also about the way of doing it. Still waiting for an answer from two employers and the gouvernement (this one for free training, but honestly they are a pain in the butt and I don't think it will happen, as it is taking a very long time, and the agent I that has take care of my case thinks that I don't need further training, even if the vocational counselor is sure that 3D animation will be perfect for me)

Happiness

2010-01-15T03:24:40Z

A post of one of my LJ friends motivated me to post today.

A lot has happened lately, yet not as much as I will like.

Yesterday I had a date with a guy that I really like, and have waited two months to meet, since he was living a hard situation. we are going to meet again soon, to have dinner and talk, just like yesteday.

Even if I am still not over Michael i found that this guy can help me forget about continuing my relationship with Michael. Talking about Mike: we were supposed to meet in the second or third week of January, but I have the feeling that it ain't going to happen. It is dissapointing to know that I may loose him, it makes me unhappy.

I still haven't found a job and even if the gouvernment claim that they are going to pay me some courses or a certificate on 3D animation it is getting harder and harder, it is taking a long time, we started the negociations on September 15th, and it may take until mid february. I found the perfect training, with a program made by the gouvernment, but my agent refused it, saying that it was too long (15 months) and asked to look for a short-term training (450 hours or so) which is hard to find.

Had a job interview last friday, and another one today, I hope to get a good job soon, because I don't think that I will be having the advantage of a training soon.

I am still painting, and hope to start working on new songs in the near future (I have new lyrics, I just need to work some music)

The year started pretty well, and I have the feeling that it will be a good year for me. I am gojng to work to make it happen.

I hope to find more happpiness

A Strong Bond

2009-12-21T22:58:46Z

Getting over someone is not always an easy task. I tried to get over Mike since the beginning of this year. Since we both were in open relationships we started seeing each other on the summer of 2007, then I broke up with my BF on December 2008 and he broke up with his BF on January 2009, then he started dating someone else while I was living in Toronto, it sounds like a mess, and I guess it was.

On April 2009 I started dating Simon for 7 months, and hope to get over Mike, but the relationship with Simon wasn't what I was looking for, we were more like fuck buddies.

During that time Mike came up to my mind a few times, and sometimes we wrote e-mails to each other, because we wanted to stay in contact, even if each other had someone in our lives. Then in October 12 I decided to delete him from my FB friends, because seeing his posts didn't help me to get over him, specially when I saw any pic where the other guy was in. I let him know and decided to cut any communication with him, to help me face reality.

He send me a note acknowledging his mistake and hoping the best for me. That was it! I was going to be happy and free! or at least that is what I tought. It was hard to cut contact because what we had was very strong.

I broke up with Simon on Nov 17, and we stayed as friends (I always prefer a smooth break-up) Last Wednesday I got an e-mail from Michael, he told me that he misses me, then one minute after he sends another message telling me how sorry he felt about it and that he doesn't want to play with fire, and to dismiss the note and don't answer back. Of course I answered back, telling him staight the way I felt, that I don't want to play with fire either, but that we should communicate and try to sort this out and move on, togheter or not.

It is obvious that we had very strong feelings for each other (and maybe still have them) and that we need to stay in contact with each other. I believe that we can be good friends and need each other (maybe we both want more than that, but need time to work this this out)

One thing I am sure of is that we have a really strong bond.

Holiday cards

2009-12-10T15:27:27Z

I am working on holiday cards, to send out to people i know and like.
I mean, cyberspace is great, but to get something on the mail is great too.
I will actually send a card to my dear LJ friends who want me to.
Just drop me an email (luslondon@gmail.com) with the adress where I can send it to.

Ho Ho Ho

Slowly but surely

2009-12-07T03:07:52Z

Seems that things are starting to change, last week I have a proposition from an old collaborator, we will work togheter in the near future and I may join his Studio as a partner.

Meeting guys that seem interesting and chatting with some other interesting guys.

I know that it is up to me to change things, as well. So I am changing stuff, slowly, but surely.

Stages in life

2009-11-23T21:51:28Z

I am still looking for a job, there are less and less offers. That is a total bummer.

On the other side I am looking forward to start a couple of courses to catch up with technology.
Apparently it is my weak point at the moment and companies are asking for people with more theory that I have, in my field you must keep up to date often. Seems that I am also asking for about $8 000 more than the avarage graphic designer. I just wanna keep doing the same amount I was doing before,

I broke up with my BF last week, no drama or fight, just a conversation between adults.
I am feeling less stressed now and will be able to focus more the aftermentioned topics.

Life have different stages, like stairs where we go up and down, one by one.
Well, I feel I am going up the stairs and a change in life is coming.
It seem to come at a quiet pace, though. So I have to arm myself with patience.
Funny, I always felt when changes have come into my life, somehow.

The year is not over yet, so who knows?

2009-11-21T19:10:39Z

I Read an article that faghatesgods wrote on 'A Bear's life' : The most stressfull things in life are: Divorce, Moving and Unemployment. This year i done them all. So i wonder What's next?

Job

2009-11-12T20:46:24Z

I finally got the response for the job offer I was waiting for. Apparentelly they find that I am a really good candidate. Anyway, I didn't got thejob. Still waiting from other companies.

p.s.
I am listening to The Cure again, if I continue this may not be a good sign

Job ?

2009-11-11T18:40:20Z

Haven't got any news from the job interviews I've done.
Am I asking for too much money?
Do they need someone with better technical skills?
Are they still deliberating on who will get the job?
The worst part is that if they don't call back I won't know.
I just feel tired of making efforts and feel like giving up.

Flu

2009-10-29T15:02:50Z

Lately a lot of people have been questioning about getting the flu shot or not. Others believe that it is just a scam from pharmaceuticals, and that the gouvernment is involved too.

I just read a post by wooferstl where he talks about serving jellybeans with the help of a spoon into a small cup. I don't know if we are getting too cautious about the flu, but his post made me think if we need to avoid touching anything that has been touched by other people, like door knobs, pencils and pens, money, or for that matter imagine going out to a bar, or a dance floor.

Where should we stop then?

Improv Everywhere Strikes again

2009-10-09T18:16:10Z

This is Improv Everywhere.

The MP3 experiment #6

They have more

F**cked up scores 20K at the Polaris

2009-10-06T16:56:47Z

Damian Abraham and one very lucky guy:

F**cked up scores 20K at the Polaris

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About the Dolphin Massacre in Denmark

2009-10-06T02:18:57Z

I can not believe how stupid people can be when I watched this.
It is really way out of line, why doing such thing? is their reason valid?

You don't give a damn? that is your own business. You want to help?

You can copy this adresses and join others, by writing an email with the following text:
Visit Denmark? Never!
Stop the Dolphin and Whale Massacre Now!

visitfaroeislands@mfa.fo, infoey-f@post.olivant.fo, info@goscandinavia.com, editors@denmark.dk, touristinfo@woco.dk, trf@woco.dk, tse@woco.dk, Info@copenhagenet.dk, kunningarstovan@runavik.fo, info@visitsandoy.fo, torsinfo@torshavn.fo, borgerservice@kk.dk, borgerservice@kk.dk, gbm@gbm.dk, touristinfo@olivant.fo, info@vagur.fo, kunningarskivan@post.olivant.fo, info@vagur.fo,

Thinking

2009-10-03T22:19:46Z

Lately I've been wondering if I should continue my relationship with my BF, like all relationships there are ups and downs, it is important to balance both sides and see if it is worth it to go on.

Telling it all here will be gossip, I will just say that since the beginning I noticed that he was 'different', by many reasons, he has a dark sense of humour and it is not too social. He is a very talented artist, and has won a music award for his first album. On the other hand he is often centered on himself. A great thing is that we share the same passion for music and culture. A bad thing will be that he is not romantic, and has a hard time dealing with love, while I am a romantic guy and I appreciate those small details that make a relationship grow everyday. He is not a bad guy, and will never hurt a fly. This is his first serious relationship, which leads me to say that we have an age difference of more than 10 years, and often it shows.

We have talked about it, and he has been making progress, putting efforts everyday, maybe so much that it shows that it is not a natural thing. He even started to pat me as a pet. He asked me if it was ok, so I answered that if it doesn't come out naturally, then he should do it if it comes from the inside, when he really feels it. I am just making a lot of thinking.

The end of the music industry is here Now

2009-09-26T20:27:27Z

Pitchfork has an interesting article about it, where they explain how the way music used to be sold and promoted, just look back and you will see that the reality is different now than a few years back. Like they say:

How did you find out that your favorite band had a new album coming out? Sure, the few of us with fast enough internet connections might have read about it online, but it's more likely that you read about it in a magazine, saw a poster at your local record store, or maybe, maybe heard about it from MTV News.

These days, that magazine has probably folded, your local record store is now a Best Buy, and MTV just wants to show you "Hills" spin-offs. You're going to find out about that album from a music news blog or site, or even from the band themselves, via their own web portal or Twitter. And you're probably going to end up hearing that album much, much sooner than the band intended, thanks to a leak.

Working on getting work

2009-09-25T18:51:46Z

I've Been working on illustrations and logos this past few days. I noticed that my portfolio has some items that are from 2002 or even 2000, that seem outdated and don't go with the design vibe that I am in right now. Also as I am looking to get a job in a major Toy company, or maybe a big corporation such as Lotto Québec or SAQ, I need to present a decent portfolio, mine is fine, but I want it to shine, so here I am working on that.

I do some illustrations for 'A Bear's Life' and am planning on doing the same for other magazines. Also, I learned that iStock is looking forward to open a logo service, I am revamping logos that didn't sell in the past, and doing new illustrations for them too, so this will help in all this ways.

Numero# at Excentris - with Jay Jay Johanson !

2009-09-25T18:38:11Z

Pierre and Jerome played wednesday with Jay Jay Johanson. I found it great !

Monday Thoughts

2009-09-21T15:12:35Z

I noticed that lately I was spending a lot of time on Facebook, even if I was cathcing up from friends from everywhere. I noticed that at a certain point the content wasn't of good quality, so first I deactivated the e-mail notifications, and I will prefer to use it for a close circle of friends. The ones that really have more to say than 'I just ate ice cream and will soon go to bed'

Last July I list my job. I took it easy for a couple of weeks, and concentrated on painting. Got a couple of interviews that didn't lead to something interesting. So now I also decided to go to the library and work from there. Since I have a lot to do for my job search, and working from home is full of distractions. I will also go back to do some illustrations.